Living with PTSD (The Musings of a Most Peculiar Man)

Posted: November 21, 2013 in Humour/satire
Tags: , , , ,

“He was a most peculiar man” that’s what Mrs. Reardon said and she should know she lived upstairs from him 

(Paul Simon: A Most Peculiar Man)

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder has had a major effect on my life and mostly in a negative way, though this has been due largely to my reluctance to seek help or have any wish to talk about the experience that lead to the trauma in the first place.  Choosing instead to bury my thoughts and feelings and to actively avoid anything that reminded me of the traumatic event.

This avoidance of anything related to the event has impacted not only on my own personal life but very much on those around me.  PTSD has led me to continually push away those I care about the most (including my children), simply because the trauma has left me with no self-esteem,  little feelings of my own self-worth and a deep seated  dislike for who and what I am leading to me feeling a failure as a partner,  father , friend  etc. .  My nonexistent self-esteem and my almost pathological capability for seeing only the negative side of any type of situation, has destroyed all my relationships as I convince myself that someone so special and good and honest should in no way be involved with someone as unlikable as me.  The result of this is that I then go out of my way to behave in such a way as to push that person to the point that they feel they can no longer continue in the relationship and therefore end it. The strange thing is whilst it is me behaving that way and I am fully aware of what I am doing, at the same time it feels as if I am divorced from the whole scenario, as if I am looking down on the whole thing from a distance rather like watching a film or a play on TV, as if it’s some kind of freaky out of body experience.

Another aspect of the ghost of the trauma that keeps raising its ugly head like some bogeyman from childhood is my inability to form any type of relationship with members of my own sex.  I cannot be in a room on my own with a man nor can I trust or in any way allow myself to appear at any point vulnerable to a man.  This makes work and social activities extremely problematic, in addition only having female friends can be understandably very hard for any partner I may have to understand or come to terms with.  This is made worse by my inability to feel safe with or trust anyone enough to explain why this is the way things are.

I could go on and on for pages about how PTSD has impacted on every aspect of my life but this seems a good point to end.  However one final word of advice to anyone in the same position SEEK HELP!!!Talk to those around you, and keep talking, trust the people who mean the most to you.  Talk to your GP and actively engage with the Mental Health services that are there to provide you with the help you need to deal with your issues and find the most appropriate solution to your problems.” You will never get better without support”. The future may not be orange but it doesn’t have to be black either.

 

 

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